Not charisma, not confidence, not being interesting. Six ordinary moves, each one small enough to try on a Tuesday. They are the rows on the scorecard after a practice, the short lessons in the app, and the moves the stand-in gives you room to use.
01
Opening
The first thing you say. Its only job is to get an answer — not to be clever, not to be memorable, just to open a door that then stays open.
The moveSay the true, boring thing about where you both are, and then stop talking.
Without it
You …
Them (carries on making coffee)
With it
You This machine takes forever, doesn’t it.
Them Every single morning. You on the new project?
What the scorecard looks at
Whether you started at all, how soon, and whether what you said left them something to answer.
Drawn from
Epley & Schroeder 2014 · Sandstrom & Boothby 2021
02
Asking questions
Questions hand the conversation over. They also take the pressure off you, because the next thirty seconds are now theirs.
The moveAsk one question that cannot be answered with yes or no.
Without it
You Busy week?
Them Yeah.
With it
You What’s eating your week?
Them The migration, mostly. We moved the date and now nothing fits.
What the scorecard looks at
How many questions you asked, whether they were open, and whether they followed what was actually said.
Drawn from
Huang, Yeomans, Brooks, Minson & Gino 2017
03
Listening & follow-ups
Saying back the gist of what someone said, in fewer words, before you ask anything. It is the cheapest way to be easy to talk to.
The moveBefore your next question, say their point back in half the words.
Without it
You Right. Anyway, did you see the email?
Them Um. Which one?
With it
You So the date moved and everything else has to move with it.
Them Exactly. Nobody has said that out loud yet.
What the scorecard looks at
Whether their words came back in yours, and whether your follow-up went deeper instead of sideways.
Drawn from
Weger et al. 2014 · Miller & Rollnick 2023
04
Sharing about yourself
One sentence about you every few turns, so it is a conversation and not an interview. It is the part people who are nervous skip entirely.
The moveAfter they answer, give one ordinary sentence back about you. One. Then ask again.
Without it
You And what did you do at the weekend?
Them Sorry — is this an interview?
With it
You I did nothing at all, which I badly needed. You?
Them Ha. We drove to my sister’s. Four hours each way.
What the scorecard looks at
Whether anything about you was in the room, and whether it matched what they had offered.
Drawn from
Sprecher et al. 2013 · Kardas, Kumar & Epley 2022
05
Keeping it going
What to do with a pause, a one-word answer, or a swerve into something you know nothing about. The silence is always shorter than it feels.
The moveWhen it stalls, name the thing in front of you or go back one topic. Both are allowed.
Without it
You (pause, then leaves)
With it
You You said the date moved — is that the second time?
Them Third. I’ve stopped counting, honestly.
What the scorecard looks at
What you did after a pause or a short answer, and whether the conversation survived it.
Drawn from
Koudenburg et al. 2011 · Boothby et al. 2018
06
Ending well
Leaving while it is still good, on purpose, with a next time named. Most people end by running out, and remember the running out.
The moveEnd it yourself, one beat early, and say when you will see them.
Without it
You (waits for it to die, then goes)
With it
You I should get back to it. See you at lunch?
Them Yeah, I’ll be down about one.
What the scorecard looks at
Whether you closed it or it faded, and whether anything was left open for next time.
Drawn from
Mastroianni, Gilbert, Cooney & Wilson 2021
How the six turn into a scorecard
After a practice — never after a real conversation — the app scores those six rows and writes at most two notes. Each note is a thing you did and a thing to try, in one sentence. There is no overall mark, no grade for you, and nothing about who you are.
Your weakest row is what the next practice makes room for: the stand-in leaves a gap where that move goes. You can also just run it again, harder, and see whether the row moves.
The real conversation is different. You tell the app how it went in your own words, it is never scored, and it is the only thing that counts towards a goal.
Where this comes from
Every skill names the work it is drawn from, in the app and here. They are studies of ordinary people talking to ordinary people — strangers on trains, first conversations, how long people think a chat should last — and they are cited so you can go and read them.
A citation is a source, not a promise. These are techniques with evidence behind them, taught as a skill. Get Speaking is not therapy, and nothing on this page is a claim about anybody’s health.
Six rows, one conversation at a time.
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